Looking for that man

I never thought I would understand addiction, but I am starting to understand it more and more as I mature. Those who know me.... and I don't mean just know me as a friend, but really know me; know that someone I love to death has been addict for all of my life. It has taken so much from me and my family, I remember sitting up at night and wondering what causes him to do what he does and I still sit up at night and pray that someday he will change. So that he can see my kids and be apart of my life. I have so many questions to ask and so many things to say, but I feel that if I share them right now that they won't truly be heard because drugs have clouded his mind. I'm sure that he loves me, but I don't believe he loves me more than the drugs because if he did then he would have picked me over the drugs. I understand somewhat how he feels, and it's not fun to feel like you messed up or to feel like the outcast. I hope he understands that we still love him, but I don't love him on the drugs. I cannot truly say that me and he will have this wonderful relationship once he gets it together but I need a man in my life that can help me with what I'm going through right now. Maybe it's wishful thinking but one day I'll have him here to just be there for me.