Motherhood......

Okay, so no I'm not a mother and it's not Mother's Day, but in a recent conversation with a special someone about kids I put some serious thought into motherhood. I know that I am not ready for kids (financially or mentally), so I take all measures so I do not end up with any unexpected children. But on the other hand I do feel that once I become a mother I will be well prepared, because I have been surrounded with women that I feel are wonderful mother's.

First being my mother. We never see eye to eye, but I am so grateful for who she is. She is sometimes overprotective but always loving and a good example for those looking to her. My mom raised all three of her children without help from our father. I have never heard her speak a bad word about him and just recently when he fell ill she was right there at the hospital with us. She gives her all to give us the world even though we are often unappreciative. I pray that one day I can show my children the same love she showed us.

Second being my younger sister, I cried when I found out she was have a baby. And though she is a new mother (my niece is 2 1/2 months old), I have learn so much from her. She is my baby sister so I have to retain my urge to take on the responsibility for her. But she has shocked me so much. She loves her baby and has given up so much for her. She is continuing with school and adjusting her life. She is still with her babies father, but knows that her child comes first. I was there when she gave birth and I was do proud of her for "taking it like a soldier" (lol insider!). She has matured so much in such a short amount of time. I pray that I will someday have her courage.

Third being my Grandmother. Through everything she has been there for me. I still remember her words to me the day I left for college "your going to finish, right?" I answered "yes ma'am". I have seriously thought about quitting, but I keep going when I think about her. I have watched her be there for all 5 of her children, then turn around and taking in other children with no hesitation. I remember when I was younger she would come out a jump-rope with us and ride bikes with us, we were all shocked because who would have thought our 55+ grandma would be able to jump-rope; that day I learned to never underestimate her. She has this unique way of disciplining you but making you feel good about it. I often remember getting in trouble and thinking "man that hurt my feelings, but for some reason I feel happy". I love my grandma because though she is under-educated, she excels in every other aspect of life. I hope that when I have grandchildren I will be able to so them this type of love, Unconditional love.

Though there are many other mother's in my life that can make this list I do not want to continue the list on for days. To all of my aunts, sisters, cousins, and family friends that are mothers thank you for being wonderful example of women that give life and raise wonder children.

So John Mayer's "Say" currently my new favorite song! I think the lyrics are words to live by. To many time I have held back and miss the opportunity to say what needs to be said. So I am making a vow to say everything that needs to be said no matter how scared, ashamed, ridiculous I feel. I think everyone should learn from this song, life is short say what needs to be said before you don't have the chance to do so.

It's 4am and I should really be sleep... but I'm not. Life is a little different now and I am start to reevaluate a lot of things.

One being my life goals.
I am 21 years old and on Tuesday I will receive my drivers license, I have known how to drive since the age of 15 but lack of dedication and motivation and fear of failure have delayed the process. This definitely something I need to work on, I often get lazy and do not follow through. School is not going as planned but I have to finish I have to prove to myself that I can do this. As for my love life things are at a standstill I am stuck between what I want, what I need, and what I can have. I have decided that marriage is a road I'm willing to take, but as for children I'm not completely sold on the idea yet.

Two being my living situation

As much as I love being on my own. At home might be where I need to be right now. My little sister just had a baby and I know times are rough for her right now. I know that I am a big help around here but on the other hand I am in desperate need for independence and freedom. I don't want to continue to be a crutch to them. Plus staying home would allow me to see Baby Bridgette grow up.

Three being relationships

I MISS MY BEST FRIEND!!!! I know that we talk to each other but its not the same without her. My father has let me down again and I have decide to just let him go. I will cry when he leaves this earth but I have my own life that I need to build before I help him repair his. My mom... my mommy. I know she love me but the fighting is just sometimes too much. I want her to see me as an adult, I want her to treat me like an adult. I just want to get along and not have to defend myself every time I say something.

Seeing Brighter Days

So today I feeling a little good.... I made it to bus before they were pulling off despite stay up pass my intended bed time. On the other hand I love and hate the fact that I've moved back home. Love the fact that I get to see my family everyday.... I am still learning to allow them to love me unconditionally and I am learning trust myself enough to show them that I love them despite the things that they say or do to me. I love the fact that I am getting a chance to show my father that I love him and that we are building the relationship never had. My only wish is that my Brother and Sisters would jump on board (he's not going to live forever) but just as I did.... they will come around.

Putting all of that aside I miss my college life. :( :( I really miss seeing all of my friends and the freedom I had living on my own. I hate that I am not as focused as I was when living on campus.

With all of that said my goal for this year is to first get a car and maybe even an apartment. I want my independence back with the freedom to go see my friends whenever I want to see them and still stay connected with my family. Plus my niece and nephew will be here soon and I have to spoil them....lol!

The Opening of My Eyes

Today I am here before you having gone through life thinking all wrong.
What I have fail to realize is this: I was not able to pick the family I was born into but the path I have taken was a decision I,myself made all alone. So to the people who have loved me through my "identity crisis" I am sorry I have pushed you aside for far to long and the people who hurt me I forgive you for the things you did and even though I should blame you for these things I honestly blame myself I have allowed the things you've done to affect the plans I had for my life. To my possible future children remember that I will always love you and that life will sometimes hurt so
I pray that for you it won't hurt to much. And to the future love of my life....I'm not sure if we've met yet but there is a possibility..... I love you!!!! I sorry that it will take so long for me to let you in. Sorry for being so stubborn and thank you for loving me through all of my past hurt and pain.

Lastly to myself.... never forget who you are and those that love you. You, yourself know your full potential, live up to every bit of it. Be that great person you used to see when you look in the mirror. Mostly love yourself and everyone you come in contact with because you might be the only love that person see.

What to do????

SOOOOO!!!! I sorry for my absence.... this semester has been a wild one. We adding a new addition to the family. I kinda lost contact with my BF but we still have random time when she will text or I will text. I found someone I like a lot but I feel like I compromised my Christianity. I can't seem it get over what I did. I also don't want to break his heart but I am not sexually attached to him. I just don't know. There are officially 2 days left in the semester and I super excited. I'm not ready for finals so I need to hit the books.

Feel Good.....

Well, so far school has been wonderful; all of my classes are working well for me. I have yet to find a job but i'm sure that will all work out soon. Even though I went into this school kinda worried about what was going to happen I and so happy that everything has worked out. I and still hoping to get an apartment and the end of the school year but i'm think about getting an apartment away from ASU cause the college party thing is kinda over rated.

I will try to post more often and hope all continues to go well... until next time good night.